A Brief Relapse into the Land of What If

I have been MIA as far as the blog goes for the last two weeks.  It is hard to sneak in some computer time when you share with homeschoolers that are wrapping up a year and need access to the computer.  By the time they are done, I am done and have no energy to write, but I wanted to give a quick update.

The week after my last treatment was hard.  It really wiped me out.  I felt pretty crummy, the headaches were back, and I  just had no energy.  It seemed like it took a bit longer to bounce back.  Once I did however, I spent time playing in my garden.  Thanks to some amazing friends, my big garden got raised up with some new dirt and blocks so it won't be quite so soggy.  The poor walkway that was also filled with water is now filled with crushed gravel and it looks great.  I can't do as much as everyone else right now but I love to try and keep up. Then after some fun in the sun at the state park with our friends, I managed to catch a cold.  So I have spent this last week plus fighting a silly cold and cough.  My blood counts were all really good so that is helpful, but I just haven't been able to kick this cold.

I am not sure if it was because I was feeling discouraged about this darn cold or not, but I found myself feeling a bit fearful and overwhelmed this last week.  I had one night in particular where I was pondering the "What If's" of my future and allowing the doubts to creep in.  In all honesty, I haven't really worried about this too much.  So why now? Nothing has changed.  The Dr.'s have been thrilled with my progress and anticipate great results.  So what happened?  Why the sudden doubt?  What happened is that I allowed my mind to wander down that path for just a quick moment.  A tiny little dabbling into the fate of my unknown future.  Once it got started, it needed no further coercion to keep on going.  In fact it seemed to pick up the pace and gather speed as it cruised merrily along. The next thing you know... I found myself roaming around aimlessly in the dark and terrifying land of the What If's.  Not a pleasant place.  Fortunately, I realized it rather quickly before I completely went into panic or anxiety. I was able to take the thoughts captive and re-focus my mind.  I had lost sight of Isaiah 26:3.  The peace returned almost immediately once I began to reclaim the ground the enemy intended to steal.  I am grateful for this because I have spent many nights fighting for a other areas of my mind that I can't seem to give over, but for some reason, God has allowed me to relinquish the territory that the cancer thoughts occupy almost exclusively to him.  This alone is how I can fight with such strength and confidence.  So with my territorial flag back in place, I move forward. 

In case you were wondering... I didn't have a treatment on Monday.  I asked my oncologist if I could push out the treatment so I could join my kids on an end of the year field trip.  She said yes!  So tomorrow we all head to Seattle on the train.  It is always a fun and memorable day and I am very glad I get to join in.  We are just hoping we can catch a break with the weather.  Not likely I realize but here's hoping. 

This means that the final "bigboy" treatment, as my friend calls them, should be this Thursday.  I say should be, because they won't do it if I am not better.  I continue to down the vitamin C and Emergency drinks.  I am gulping down the fluids and am vigilant about watching for a fever.  So far it seems to be a silly little viral cold that just won't let go.  I am hoping that it will clear up and I can move forward with the last treatment for this round.  I am also hoping that I will feel okay on Friday as my dear friend and neighbor is hosting a Pampered Chef party and giving the hostess credit to me.  I was shocked and blessed by this kindness.  I know I have said it before and I would like to say it again.  I have been so overwhelmed with gratitude for all the ways people have blessed us during this crazy season of our lives.  Sometimes I feel undeserving of the gifts and blessings.  At these times I am gently reminded that that God thinks I am very worth while and he has chosen to use my friends and family to reach out and lavish his great love upon us.  So again I say thank you for being his hands and feet. 


1 John 3:1

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!  And that is what we are!  The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.